I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
