i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
