I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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