i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?