I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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