I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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