goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
