his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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