Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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