i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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