oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
