When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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