my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
