I faked an abortion last night.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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