Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
