yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
