I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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