Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
