My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
