I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
