I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
