she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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