I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants