I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities