I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves