i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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