Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
