We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
