So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The feeling are messing with the penis
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
