there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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