he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
whose parrot is this?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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