so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
