I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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