At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
