Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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