Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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