The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
