either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
