kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
