So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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