You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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