Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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