I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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