Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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