We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
