Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm lost and stupid without you.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
