I'm gonna have a badass scar
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
did i just pee glitter
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
