My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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