I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Banned from zoo.
Again?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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