her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My ATM looks so different sober.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
