i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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