JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
