I'm going to rape someone's good day.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
