:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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